Category: motivation

I used to wear the label “perfectionism” like a title.  So proud.  I guess I thought since it had the word “perfect” in the label that meant I was getting close…to being perfect.

I would use that term to describe myself.  I have blonde hair, blue eyes and I am a perfectionist.  I would tell prospective employers, like that was going to get me the job!

If you identify with being a perfectionist, I want you to really think about what it means.

It means that you that you are not putting your work out into the world until it is perfect, A+ work, nothing but the best, no imperfections. It means that you are not creating the results that you want because it’s not perfect.

Being a perfectionist actually keeps you from showing up as your highest and best self.  It means that while you are trying to produce A+ work, ruminating in perfectionism, someone else is putting out B- work and killing it!

How perfect do you think the first automobile was, the first PC, the first anything?

Someone will always come behind you and find something to tweek that will make the thing better, and that doesn’t mean that there was anything wrong with you or your version.

You all have gifts, you have talent, and the world needs to see them.

Where would we be if Bill Gates waited until his PC was perfect before he showed anyone?  I want you to really think about it…

What if you jumping out there being all imperfect is what inspires someone else to jump out there too.  I have a story about that here.

Perfectionism is what your brain has you ruminating in as an effort to protect you from failure, rejections and humiliation.  It sounds like a good thing, like you have higher standards of excellence, like you are more driven than someone else, you work harder.   You are wrong!

Put your work out there.  You have a song to sing that people need to hear.  You have a book to write that people need to read.  You have problems to solve that people need solutions for.

If you are waiting to raise your hand until you have to perfect words to say and the perfect tone, the perfect everything, the world won’t know how awesome you are…with all of your flaws…FLAWESOME!!!

It doesn’t matter how you got there, I get it!  In a world where nothing but an A will do, B- is uncomfortable.  Guess what?  That’s exactly what you need to do…being willing to be uncomfortable is the key to success.

As perfectionists, we think that setting high demands for ourselves always results in growth and success.  It turns out, by setting such strict, high standards we are ultimately self-sabotaging our efforts.  Setting unrealistic expectations is also severely unhealthy.

Perfectionism is a fixed mindset.  A fixed mind does not grow!

There are tons of reasons why perfectionism is debilitating for our mindset.  Stress, overwhelm, anxiety depression, low or no productivity, low self-worth, missed opportunities…

In a world where we are inundated with Pinterest perfect everything, someone is waiting to be inspired by your imperfection!

Watch my Facebook live to hear about how my imperfection has inspired others.  I share two examples.  

Now, go be a goal setting, goal getting, imperfect goal digger!!!!

 

During a recent workshop on creating self-confidence, I got a great question…

“If I start showing up with more self confidence, won’t people think that I am being or becoming arrogant?”

That really made me stop and think about how often we might not show up as our highest and best self, on purpose, because part of us thinks that any demonstration of self-confidence could be mistaken for arrogance.

We shrink so others won’t mistake our confidence for arrogance.

So, let me just set the record straight on that one!

Arrogance is 100% when someone thinks that they are a better human being than someone else.

Self-Confidence is the energy of excellence, even in failure.  Self-confidence is a state of being and energy in maturity, sophistication, elegance, grace, strength and love…

Self-confidence is when we trust ourselves and our abilities, capacities and judgements.   We trust us to have our own back and honor our decisions.

As you increase your capacity to love yourself with all of your awesome flaws (flawsome), you are increasing your capacity to show up as your highest and best self even when it’s hard, even when it’s scary, even when you have never done it before.  You increase your capacity to give love and receive love.

Self-confidence is when we trust ourselves to create the result that we want, make healthy decisions, be a good judge of character.  Self-confidence is an amazing asset that helps push us through doubt and fear and indecision.  Self-confidence helps us take the sting out of rejection and humiliation.

Self-confidence comes from a place of love, abundance, maturity and security.

Arrogance is someone who thinks that they are a better human than someone else.  They build up their ego by putting others down.  Arrogance is born out of insecurity, scarcity, immaturity and fear.

This is my opinion…but, I don’t think you can have too much self-confidence.  That’s like saying you can have too much love or too much abundance, or too much maturity or too much security or have to much of an energy of excellent even in failure.  Not possible.

Having self-confidence does not make you arrogant, arrogance makes you arrogant.

A self-confident person has a deep capacity to love others and be vulnerable.  Self-confident people are easy to be around and easy to talk to.   Self-confident people are comfortable to be around.

An arrogant person does not love themselves, does not trust themselves or anyone else.  They hide their vulnerabilities.  They are not easy or fun to be around at all!!!

I hope this explanation gives you confidence to show up as someone who loves and trusts yourself deeply.  Show up with self-confidence, it’s a good look!

Here is a link to the Transformation Tuesday Facebook live all about self-confidence.

 

 

Your brain is designed to scan for what is wrong or how we can do better, that’s how we have stayed alive and evolved over time.

That’s the old operating system that isn’t working for the modern day world we live in.  We have to train the operating system to look for what is going right, what’s working.

When we don’t believe that we can create the result that we want, our brain says it’s time to quit.  It says that you don’t know how, or your too old or you don’t have the money or this life isn’t meant for you, the job was never yours, you have too much to learn to be promotable.

We don’t lose the ability to achieve the result we want, we lose the belief that we can create it.

Your brain is trying to protect you from feeling frustrated, being tired, being uncomfortable, being scared or nervous, all the emotions that bubble up when we are in a growth state.  But that’s where all the good stuff is.  That is where our evolution happens.

I almost quit on one of my goals last week.  I stopped believing that I could produce a result that I wanted.  So my brain started looking for evidence that something was wrong, to give me an excuse, to justify my quit.  I literally had to step in, take over and stop the thought loop and understand that these were thought errors.  They were not warning signs, they were waning signs.  Signs that my belief in myself waning.

You might have some legit reasons to stop pursuing a goal.  It might be too dangerous or not mentally healthy but for the most part, we want to quit because we stop believing.

Let’s be honest.  It’s easy to believe when there is evidence but we must believe even when there is none.

Ask yourself where else this has shown up in your life?  Where else did you stop believing in yourself and maybe quit on yourself in a relationship, at a job, school, business, your passion…

Decide

Believe

Commit

Believe

Let your brain throw a fit

Believe

Take action

Believe

Celebrate your belief in yourself!

Now, go be a goal setting, goal getting, believing goal digger!!!!

Transformation Tuesday Facebook live replay

I have been talking to a lot of people about why they don’t set big goals, the ones that seem impossible and outrageous.

I mean, let’s be honest, we pretty much set the ones that we know we have a pretty good shot at hitting.

We set goals within the possibilities of what we believe we can accomplish. Why? We don’t want to feel like a failure. We don’t want to feel what it would feel like to fail.

There is a reason for that, in fact there are two:

1. You are human
2. You have a brain

You are probably noticing a pattern, those two reasons are the reasons for everything!

That is the best news…

Your brain wants to seek pleasure, avoid pain and conserve energy. Setting goals well within your possibility of achievement makes your brain very, very, very comfortable. But that is not where growth and transformation happen.

Your willingness to seek growth, be uncomfortable and take massive action (not to be confused with frantic action) is the key to showing up as your highest and best self and getting the results that you want.

• Be willing to seek growth by face planting, and then doing better next time.
• Be willing to be uncomfortable…your brain will really fight you on this.
• Take massive action by not stopping until you get the result that you want.

Don’t take your eyes off of the goal just because you have a fail. Be willing to fail again and again and keep going, keep growing.

For example: if losing weight is your goal, be willing to learn how to eat healthy (seeking growth), be willing to step on the scale every day and fail to see the needle move (uncomfortable) be willing to eat clean and move your body anyway (massive action).

Do it until you get the result that you want.

True Story:
I remember my very first ever horse-back riding lesson about 8 years ago. I showed up to the lesson all excited about learning how to ride. We learned how to groom, tack up the horse and then we were led to the arena where it was time to get on. I stepped up to the mounting block like a boss and put my foot into the stirrup, added a little weight to hoist myself up and I proceeded to fall off of the mounting block and under the horse. Not once, not twice, not even three times…four times people!

It was humiliating, it was frustrating, nothing comfortable about failing under a horse 4 times in front of everyone.

But in April, Kit and I will ride for a bronze medal in Western Dressage. I have failed thousands of times over the last 8 years. Every fail was a lesson, every fail filled in the gaps of knowledge and understanding until self-doubt was replaced with self-growth.

Failing does not make you a failure, it makes your determined!

Now, go be a goal setting, failing, goal getting, goal digger!!!

Ready to get goaling with 1:1 coaching?

Self-doubt creeps into spaces where we lack knowledge and understanding. That’s it! That is all there is to self-doubt.

Sometimes we doubt our own ability to achieve the result that we want so we fail ahead of time. We don’t do anything, we opt out of success.

That kind of fail doesn’t teach you anything and the more you do that kind of fail, the easier it gets to just opt out of living the life that we want.

The other kind of fail is to show up, do all you can do, go all in. Then if you flat out face-plant fail, and you will, look for the learning, the knowledge, the understanding.

When you start learning and understanding, you start edging out self-doubt with self-growth.

Last Transformation Tuesday I talked about failing and how it should be part of your success plan. Your willingness to fail and keep going and try again and again, is your ticket to success.

No one who has ever had success did it without failing first. No one!!!

Watch the Virtual Goal Setting Workshop and Transformation Tuesday replay here. 

There is no magic pill,

There is no silver bullet,

There is no short cut,

Stop looking for the secret sauce.

You are the secret sauce!!!

Ready to get goaling? Click here and let’s get to work!

“I don’t like to travel” is just athought.  “I am a homebody” is just another thought.  Sounds so benign, and harmless.

But…

When I travel, and I think the thought that  “I don’t like to travel or that I am a homebody,”  I feel anxious.  When I feel anxious, I don’t explore or take advantage of the surroundings.  I don’t enjoy the process of the packing and the planning.  The result is, I don’t enjoy traveling.

Notice how the result proves my thoughts true!  Your thoughts always prove your yours true!

That’s my old story… an old belief that I wanted to change.  Steve loves to travel and we have always had opposite thoughts about travel.  

So how does a“homebody, none-traveler” change their belief, the story?  Starts with athought, of course.

Changing your thoughts will for sure change your results. 

New thought: this trip is going to be fun

Feeling:  excited to explore new things

Action: go check things out when I get there

Result:  I enjoy traveling, and I have fun

It’s not as easy as it sounds but it is that simple.  

What do you want the result to be? 

What thought do you want to prove true?

Choose wisely because you are going to prove a thought true, which one will it be?

When I really deep dive into my thoughts around travel, I realize that I have certain things that I do look forward to doing.  I even have some rituals…

I get my hairdone, do my nails, buy comfy jammies.  I love buying airport sweatshirt.  I love them!  Trying airport food.  Airports have great restaurants if you are open to trying them out.  I’m on a quest for the best airport burger.  I love checking out the fitness rooms at hotels and for sure love a bed I don’t have to make!

I would still put  myself in the category of homebody.  Meaning,that I love being at home most of the time.  But now I can honestly say that I also do enjoy travel!

And the truth is, I travel a lot.  I travel for work, to visit my family, going to horse shows…I am sometimes gone more than home, too much to not enjoy every moment and be thankful for the opportunity to do the things that I get to do.  

So, even though I am a homebody, I love when I get to travel!

Now,  go be a goal setting,  goal getting,  goal digger!!!

I have been preaching for almost a year now that if you want different results, you have to start with your thoughts.  I had to really swallow my own medicine two weeks ago like never before.

I am exhausted and my body hurts and I failed miserably to show up like I needed to in order to have a successful Western Dressage show.

I can literally trace my thoughts back to more than two months ago when Kit stopped sweating and acquired the most amazing rain rot due to the relentless humidity.

We couldn’t ride, she looked like crap.

Even though we got past all of the obstacles, I was clearly carrying a baggage of negative thoughts and emotions about all of it!

It showed. It showed in how I showed up as a competitor.  It showed up in how I trained leading up to the show, it showed in how I managed my time and how I prepared.

I was actually hoping for a better showing. WHAT????  Hope is a horrible strategy in the dressage arena.

Sure, I worked out and studied the tests, went through a lot of the motions I normally do but not like a winner.  I did it like I had quit ahead of time.

• This is our first show in Florida.
• I don’t know anyone.
• We have never been to this arena.
• We have not been able to ride like we normally do.
• We have been through a lot in 90 days.
• There is no reason to think we have a chance.

All of these thoughts seem so benign, like they don’t really mean anything.  They seem almost factual…almost.

The truth is that none of these thoughts were useful, at all, and all of these thoughts took hold and for sure my results proved all of these thoughts to be true.

Circumstances are neutral…they are neutral until you think about them.  It’s very important to separate your thoughts from your circumstances.  That is a key first step to the process.  See if you can pick out the thoughts from the circumstances in my list above and then come right back here.

“This is our first show in Florida, we have never been to that arena were the only circumstances.”  The rest were all thoughts and it is important to understand that thoughts are optional.  Meaning, you get to choose the ones that serve the results that you want.  Your thoughts bubble up the emotions that you feel. Scared, nervous, anxious, excited, lonely, etc…Your emotions become the fuel for the actions that you take or the action that you don’t take. Of course, your action or inaction drives your outcomes and results.

It’s so critical to separate your thoughts about your circumstances from your actual circumstances.  Let’s make it easy. Circumstances are just facts, not the drama, just the facts.  Circumstances can be proven in the court of law.  “This is our first show in Florida” is true, can be proven, it’s a fact. “We have not been able to ride like we normally do” is a thought about my circumstances but it’s not fact, just a thought. Now, I might believe that it’s a fact, but it’s not, it’s just a thought. When I think that thought, “I feel unprepared.” I feel unprepared.  My actions were that I trained like I was not preparing, I show up small like I don’t want to be seen and when I show up small my result is that we didn’t show like we normally do.  We are normally smooth and very connected. We were not.  We were jiggy!  Here is what it looks like in the thought model:

Circumstance: Moved to Florida 90 days ago.
Thought: I have not been able to ride like I normally do.
Emotion: Unprepared.
Action: Didn’t train like we normally train, showed up small.
Result: We did not show like we normally do.

Do you see how my thought was proven to be true? This is everything people. This is the formula!

So here is the lesson…

When we fail miserably, and we will, we need to look for the lesson, find the teacher.

If we are not failing we are not growing, and we are not living the human experience.

To be living the human experience we have to feel it all.  The fear, the anxiety, the doubt, all of it.  We have to feel it and know that we are going to be OK.  We need to feel it and then ask where the thought causing the feeling is coming from.  What is it?  We need to call it out, identify it and then change it.

You see, if the thought that you are thinking is not serving you then you need to find a thought that will.  You have 70,000 thoughts swirling around up there, surely one of them will serve you better.

Our brain actually wants us to land on the negative one, my brain wanted me to not go at all.  I waited until the last day to enter.  I normally enter a month ahead of time.  Our brain has a negative bias.  It will direct us to the evidence of all of the negative thoughts.  That’s what has kept up alive and evolving for thousands of years.

Your brain does not know that you aren’t really in danger that you are just afraid to drive to a place you have not been to before.  Your brain thinks that is too risky and should not be done, it thinks there might be danger lurking.

My brain went nuts with stinking thinking.  Guess what kind of results you get with stinking thinking?

I learned a lot.  Failure can teach us a few things if we are open to showing up as a student.

I learned that I need to clean up my thinking, I need to eat right, sleep more and drink less.  I need to train better and most of all, do the thought work until it’s a core belief.

We get really good at whatever we practice the most.

That weekend I practiced being brave. That sounds so nice doesn’t it? But think about it. In order to be brave and courageous you have to be experiencing fear and anxiety first.

It’s about being in that moment where you need to decide the thought that is going to serve you because your brain is serving up all of the evidence that you should quit and go home, start crying and just throw in the towel.

Your brain wants to prove your thoughts true so let it, but find another thought.

Here is a thought model for my future self:

C: We just moved to Florida 90 days ago
T: I am excited to get plugged back in to the sport I love so much
E: Excited, energized
A: Train right, eat right, do thought work
R: I will get plugged back in to the sport I love so much!

Decide on the thought that will make you feel brave and bold and courageous.  Practice that, over and over and over.  Soon, a new more useful emotion will surface and become fuel for action which will drive outcomes.

Now, go be a goal setting, goal getting, goal digger!!!!

Do you walk around wondering if there is enough oxygen for you and me and the world?  You might, but probably not.  Why not?  Because we have a mindset of abundance when it comes to oxygen.  We might question the quality but not the availability.

Now, imagine we are scuba diving.  Suddenly I experience a malfunction of some sort and you need to share your oxygen with me.  I bet your mind would immediately go to thoughts of “what if I don’t have enough for me?”

Totally normal by the way.  Not offended.

This is a great illustration of the difference between a scarcity mindset and an abundant mindset.

You can almost feel the anxiety and stress of a diver having to share oxygen, scarcity.  In contrast, we go through our days not even thinking about how much oxygen there is. You can also feel the freedom and ease of not worrying about oxygen and knowing that there is plenty for everyone, abundance.

How does this show up in the work place?

The scarcity mindset has a very difficult time sharing recognition, sharing credit and being happy for anyone else’s good fortune.  We can feel like their gain is our lack, or that there isn’t enough for everyone and someone else just got the best part.  There is a sense of a lack of resources and few options to choose from.

An abundant mindset, in contrast flows out of a deep sense of self-worth and security.  It comes from a place of plenty for everyone.  It easily and genuinely shares in prestige and recognition and is open to possibilities, options, alternatives and creativity.

How does this show up in other areas?

• Maybe we become jealous of the amount of time one friend spends with another.
• Maybe we are trying to lose weight but can’t fathom throwing food away so we consume it.
• We go out go out to eat and immediately order the cheapest thing on the menu.
• Maybe we talk negatively about someone who just bought the house of their dreams or the car of their dreams or just got the job of their dreams.
• Maybe we feel rushed and often feel like we are running behind.
• We feel lonenly or have a need, but don’t want to “put anyone out.”

What’s the problem with a scarcity mindset?   Doesn’t seem incredibly harmful right?

Wrong

A scarcity mindset is a fear-based thought loop.  It’s a thought error.  It makes you show up small, it illustrates your lack of self-worth, it steals your joy from living, and helps you make horrible decisions.  It keeps you from experiencing all the abundance that the world has to offer.

You can’t invite more into a mindset of lack.

What to do?

I have three tools you can use immediately to start showing up with an abundant mindset.

1. Awareness  Of course, awareness is key to everything.  You can’t fix what you don’t know is broken.   Be aware of complaining, criticizing, condemning others.  Be aware of the company that you keep, mindsets are contagious.

2. Attitude of gratitude  Choose to see all that you have.  Gratitude actually positively rewires the pathways of your brain.  When you switch your thoughts from “I want” to “I have”, cool stuff happens.  Try it.  See the message in the mess.

3. Give  It may feel counterintuitive but the best way to feel abundant is to give.  Give what you want more of.  If you feel underappreciated, offer appreciation to someone else.  Don’t feel like you have enough time to get your stuff done?  Help someone get something off of their plate.  Don’t feel like you have enough money?  Give to someone less fortunate, and there is always someone less fortunate.  Giving put you into an abundant mindset almost immediately.

Now go be an abundant, goal getting, goal digger!!!

 

 

Has this every happened to you?

You land your dream job, or married your dream man, or you got weight off, or you just scratched off that big goal and you thought to yourself, “I should feel differently, I should feel happy and satisfied, but I don’t.”  Continue reading “I Thought I Would Feel Different. What’s Wrong With Me?” →

I want you to journal how many times you find yourself saying, “I don’t know or I can’t.”

Maybe it sounds like, “I don’t know why I just can’t lose weight?”  “I don’t know how to do….”  “I don’t have enough time.”  “I don’t have enough money.”  ‘I can’t figure out…”

These thoughts give us permission to quit on ourselves because as long as we think that we don’t know how or we can’t, we don’t have to take action, so we don’t.

We let ourselves off the hook!  When we do that, we rob ourselves and the world the benefit of showing up as our best selves.

Repeat after me…”Everything is figure-out-able!”  I know that isn’t a real word, but it should be.

Watch what happens in your life when you stop saying “I don’t know or I can’t,” and you start saying, “I am going to figure this thing out.”

As much as your brain really, really, really hates it when you introduce goals that require change, your brain loves accomplishment.

When you figure this thing out, your brain will get a dopamine hit and ask, “what’s next?”

For whatever you want to do, there is a way!

Now go be “figuring it out” goal digger!

 

I took a two month planned break from riding.  TWO MONTHS  PEOPLE!!!

If you know me, you know that there is very little that comes between me and my ride time.

So why did I do it?

I wanted to be able to talk about how important it is to give yourself a break, to step back from your goal, to re-evaluate, to look at your goal from a different perspective.

In order to talk about that, I need to do that.

I spend tons of time talking about goals and the mindset for achieving goals.  It could give you the impression that I don’t believe in taking a break.

I think taking a break is incredibly important and here is why.

Burnout is real!  It’s real and it robs you of joy and it is totally preventable.

Perspective is key when you are pursuing a goal.  When you are all in it, perspective is hard to find at times.

Sometimes it’s time to push and sometimes it’s time to pull back and relax, reflect and regroup.

For me, the thought of taking a break gave me fear and anxiety.

What will I do with myself,

• who would I be if I didn’t ride every day,
• what would happen to my horses,
• would they lose their training if I gave them time off?

Would I remember how,

• what will happen to my body,
• will I lose my riding fitness
• will I lose my confidence?

What would people think,

• would they think I was not committed?
• Would they think I was lazy?
• Would they think I had quit?

Sometimes we get so caught up in thinking about our goals and acting upon them that we unconsciously start going through the motions.

We start doing things just to do things but not because it serves a purpose

Worse, you forget why you are doing this to begin with and exactly what are you going for any way!

You lose perspective.

So what did I experience taking a break?

• I am still me even if I don’t ride.
• I am still horse crazy but now I have tons more room in my brain to be creative and do more!
• My horses did not lose their training, in fact, they are better than before.
• I have struggled to get through the sore muscles of taking time off but I love the awareness that I am feeling in my body right now.
• People did think I had quit and that’s OK! What they think is not my business any way.

I loved the time to reflect on the last few years and what I have learned and how I have grown.

Reflect

I loved thinking about the future with my girls, Kit and Baby J, and what I am excited to teach them and experience with them this year.

 Dream

I loved visualizing my future rides and mentally preparing for the work ahead as we move up the levels.

Ready

Now go be a goal getting, break taking goal digger!

note:  Thank you Angie Stokes for the use of your image.  Much love!